The Privilege of Exhaustion and Chasing Your Dreams

I am not sure why, but these past few weeks I have really struggled with what to write about.

I feel awkward just talking about myself and what I am doing all the time. I don’t want to become one of those websites where I just tell you about my day.

I want you to be able to learn from my mistakes, and use them to grow and be your best version of you, just like I am always learning and trying to improve.

So, when I sit here and think about what is in my mind right now, all I can I think about how tired I am.

I am right in that marathon grind.

The part we love and hate simultaneously.

I love that I am working so hard for a goal.

I love that I am doing everything I need to do to be ready for my next race, and I love that my mind is in a good place, just taking it day by day.

But that doesn’t mean this is easy.

It isn’t called the marathon grind for nothing.

Today, I wanted to put my words to paper keyboard to share with you the inner workings of my mind.

Maybe my words will resonate will you to show you that you are not alone. Maybe they will not.

But if you are not in this part of your life, maybe it will show you how your loved ones are feeling as they train for their next race, or maybe not even a race, maybe a big presentation, or some other goal they are chasing.

This might explain why they are grumpy 😉

Or too exhausted to move….

I am in the thick of it right now, you know, the part that is just one big slog. Although, having my Mental Training Podcast Series can help me out there.

Some days I wonder why I am doing it.

The other day I had a 60 minute ElliptiGO ride scheduled (on the trainer of course, riding the hills right now would be almost impossible for me!). I just had this overwhelming sense of UGH.

No desire whatsoever to do it. It just seemed like so much effort, and I just wanted to sit on the couch and stare at the wall instead.

But I did, and for that, I was proud.

A lot of the runs this week have been the same way. I just felt so tired, and like I was just shuffling along in mud.

I used podcasts and music during those runs to attempt to distract me.

But it doesn’t get rid of the tiredness.

Remember earlier this year I told you that a lot of runs I just have no motivation to get out there, well, there are a lot of those right now.

Then of course there are the workouts.

But they are also the ones that kick my ass.

I knew I would feel tired, and its funny, I always know its coming, but it doesn’t make it any easier.

Sometimes just randomly on a run, I get that feeling, the marathon feeling.

Where it just feels like someone straps sandbags to your legs, and every step feels like such hard work.

I then wonder why I do this?

Why do I want to do this?

Marathon training is so exhausting.

The pre race time is so nerve-wracking, and not in the good way….basically, how do I not screw this up.

The race is fun for a little while, but you spend the first few miles nervous, just wanting to get to the part where you can actually push, where you can lock in and just go for it.

But then it arrives, and as soon as it does, you wonder why the heck you do this to yourself.

Marathon training was hard. Staying positive during taper is hard. But it is NOTHING compared to this.

Why oh why do I do this to myself?

And then I remember, just how good it feels to challenge yourself, just how incredible it feels to cross that line knowing you gave your very best; to the training, to the recovery, to the race itself.

And it is during those moments, you feel alive.

It is all worth it.

And then we sign up again.

Yeah, I am tired right now, but I also know I am testing myself, really seeing what I can do when I give my all.

I am eating well, although of course I still have my sweets and treats.

I want to have a life after all, and if that means I do not have a perfectly chiseled body, then so be it. I am a woman, and I want to look back on this time and know I still lived my life.

I am giving my best to the training.

I am doing what I need to do to recover.

And yes, it is hard, but I am doing my best, and that’s all I can ask of myself, right?

It is easy to forget that during this time.

When I get caught up in the “ooooh maybe I can run this…..” I start to put that pressure on myself, like the world is watching, like I will be judged or laughed at if I don’t run a certain time.

Like my sense of worth is going to be based on what I can run.

But is isn’t.

I am still me.

No matter what happens, there is so much more to my life than running, and even if the worst case scenario happens, I will move on. I will get over it, and I will learn something about myself.

Sure, I want to “prove” myself.

I want that Saucony professional contract.

I want to run a sub 2:30 someday.

But I also want to live my life.

I want people to get to know ME, and then as they peel back the layers of my life, THEN they will learn that I have run pretty fast.

But during these moments, its hard not to get swallowed up in marathon training.

It is easy to think that you are the only one out there slogging away.

To get in that life is so hard thinking pattern, when in reality, I am very very lucky that I am able to do this.

I am healthy, and I am running well.

That is something so many people would love to have

AND

I am not the only one.

There will be tens of thousands of people running CIM, and I am just ONE of those people training for it, and that’s just one race!!!

What about all the people training for New York (read this race guide!) or any of the other marathons.

We all work hard, and we all dedicate ourselves.

So why do I get in this feel sorry for myself state?

When not only am I CHOOSING to do this, but it is a privilege to be able to do something that pushes me, that strengthens me, and that shows me what I am made of.

I want to run for the rest of my life, but I also want to have a life.

And so it is during this moment, I want to remind myself, and also you, that you should be celebrating that you can be out there.

That you get the opportunity to try.

I am reminding myself of this during moments I forget, and I think you should too.

Yes we are tired, yes we are wondering if it is all worth it, and yes, we are pushing our bodies to a limit.

But having that opportunity to try is a blessing, I am going to do this for all the people who can’t, and dedicating one of my miles this next week to each person who needs it most.

Who else is testing their limits right now (in running or otherwise)? Can I run a mile for you?