You may have noticed I have been very quiet over the last few weeks. Or maybe you haven’t. Either way, it is okay, but lets just say I have been a little off…..with everything in my life.
I have not really had any interest in talking to people; my family, friends, even Steve sometimes. I had not really had any interest in my blog or social media. On saturday morning I sat staring at the blinking cursor on a blank page for probably 45 minutes. That has never happened to me before, and I didn’t like it.
I just felt very subdued. It was mostly because a lot of the things in my life that have been stressing me out, are things that I cannot control. I HATTTTTEEEE that, but that is life. There are going to be things that are out of our hands, and all we can do is trust the path to unfold in front of us, and see what happens.
Obviously, the biggest factor that is
was affecting me was the World Half Marathon Championships. This means more to me than any of my other running goals, and to be this close, knowing that I am one of the people they are considering, it has been very tough not to get carried away and obsess over what they are going to do.
And I am not going to lie. Over these past few weeks, there have been times I have. I have obsessed over reading between the lines on their emails. I have scoured the internet finding everything I could on various runners. Most of all, I have been obsessing over what I was going to do to prove to them that I am ready, to show them that giving me this opportunity would be a good choice.
I was emotional, and a bit of a rollercoaster of moods, but finally, when I saw my sleep therapist last week (I have not been sleeping well, shocker right?!), she made things click a little for me.
I have NO control over many of the areas of my life right now, this one being the most prominent, and I do not handle that very well.
She made me realize that this does not say anything about who I am. I mean, deep down, of course I knew that. I am still me, and those people who love me, will love me regardless of whether I do (or ever) get selected for the Great Britain team, BUT she made me see that I have to just trust that I am doing all that I can to be ready, my body does not know the difference between being on a pace that they would consider fast enough, and a pace that is not. All my body knows is how to do the best it can…..based on what my mind will allow it to do.
Somehow, that went through. Also because I have some other wonderful people in my life who knew what to say at the right time to make that really drill home.
So this weekend, I flew down to New Orleans to race in the Rock n Roll New Orleans 10k.
After paying $770(!!!!) for a flight down there, knowing it was not going to be a high quality race, but it was the best chance we had for a fast time. It was difficult not to let the pressure pile on, but somehow, the weight was lifted.
I knew myself, and I knew that all I needed to do was “just run”. Steve gave me no instructions, no pacing, no guidance. We both knew that the way to allow me to run my best was just to go out there and trust my instincts, like I do best.
So I did.
I ran a 34:27 and finished 1st woman, 2nd overall.
My miles ranged between 5:29 and 5:33 (according to my Garmin), how is that for consistency!
I am not sure if that is fast enough for Great Britain. I am not sure if I will be selected, but I feel a huge weight off my shoulders now that I know it is out of my hands. I have done the best I can in a race where there was no competition, at the end of an 86 mile week.
I do not know what they will decide, but my shoulders feel 10lbs lighter, just because I can now finally believe, what is meant to be, will be.
What have you had to learn to let go?